Today, I decided I'm done apologizing.
And no, it's not what you think.
I'm not sliding into the sinkhole of modern self-entitlement. I'm not deciding nothing is ever my fault anymore, and I'm the one who should be apologized to. I'm not done admitting when I've been wrong and making amends accordingly.
I'm done apologizing for ME.
Who am I?
I'm a little weird. I make dumb jokes and like things that aren't conventional. I spend too much energy loving and thinking about characters, lives, stories, and worlds that aren't real. And I'm not sorry.
I'm an equalist. I don't think men are better than women. And I don't think that women are better than men. I don't think whites are better than blacks. And I don't think blacks are better than whites. Et cetera. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a Mormon. I believe in Jesus Christ, and everything he teaches and stands for. I believe and follow Thomas S. Monson, the modern prophet. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a human. I'm flawed. I judge people wrongly sometimes, I'm quite lazy most of the time, and I'm prone to emotional breakdowns. And, because I'm working on improving in my own way in my own time, not anyone else's, I'm not sorry.
I'm addicted to movies. I can't get enough of them. They're my art. There are few things I'd rather do than watch a movie, even though I realize I've watched many that weren't worth the time I wasted on them. And when I'm not watching them, I'm thinking about them. And I'm not sorry.
I work at a data-entry desk job, where I can only work for 39.9 hours and no more because they're unable to give me benefits. I have no position of merit or standing. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a crier. I cry in movies, I sob over old situations that should be long since unimportant to me, I shed tears of frustration, inadequacy, hurt, happiness, empathy. Sometimes I cry because I fell snowboarding, and it just really hurt. My tear ducts work double time, all the time. And I'm not sorry.
I'm an introvert. I used to think otherwise, I maybe used to even be otherwise, but I'm an introvert now. I'm shy. I have no desire to meet lots of new people. I like hanging out by myself. Calling people I don't know (e.g. businesses, people I need something from, etc.) irrationally terrifies me. Many a Friday night of mine is spent by myself, reading or on my computer. And I'm not sorry.
I'm not a size 2. I'm not even a size 8. I'm short. I'm stocky. I have a round face, unruly hair, gorgeous blue eyes, rather large hips, and plenty of tummy fat. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a dreamer. I'm naive and sheltered. I still believe in happily ever after. I automatically trust everyone. I'm easy to manipulate. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a singer. I'm nothing special, a dime a dozen, rather commonplace here in Provo. I can't belt and have no particular classical voice talent either. But I'm a good singer. And I love it. And I'm not sorry.
I'm intelligent. I get bad grades and have no genius status (like Albert Einstein's, for example) to use as an excuse. I make connections really well. I read people really well. I have a million useless facts crammed into my head. I'm really smart. And there are a ton of people loads smarter than me. And I'm not sorry.
I wear sweatpants almost constantly, though I actually have pretty good fashion sense. I own far too many clothes that don't fit well, are too old, or just no longer look good on me. I know a lot about makeup, and when I actually try, it looks awesome on me. I also don't actually care very much how I look even if maybe I should. And I'm not sorry.
I'm a lover of the misfits, shy people, and "geeks". One of my biggest thrills in life is getting to know quiet or awkward people and finding their fantastically beautiful self, the personality that not everyone gets to see. I love being around all those people you think are strange, shy, unorthodox, or unpopular. Being friends with them usually means I get to miss out on being friends with the outgoing, cool kids. And I'm not sorry.
I don't have very much money. What I do have, I spend on what's important to me. I don't get to go out often. I rarely (read "never") go on shopping sprees. I buy movies as often as I can. I also don't have the money to try and impress anyone. And I'm not sorry.
I'm done apologizing for who I am. I'm ME. And I'm just not sorry for that.
That is all.
